Oh, you have NO IDEA. (what you're in for)

My Friend Rob is on the verge of becoming a father. He recently wrote about his experience with the stupid things people say to pregnant people. He has no idea. So for Rob's benefit, and for the benefit of anybody else who might be going through the same thing, I have compiled this list of things you will now get to experience:


1. Everybody's an expert. Everybody who has kids, or has younger brothers or sisters, or has nieces or nephews, or has ever watched "Three Men and a Baby" is an expert on children. This is good news for you, because most likely you don't know anything but they will be happy to give you tons of unsolicited advice free of charge. They will tell you what kind of diapers to buy, what kind of car to buy, where to buy a house, what daycare to use, whether or not to breastfeed, etc..

2. Everybody has a story - and it's better than yours. Since this is your first, the birth will probably not go 100% smoothly. You will most likely have a false alarm or two, or maybe the labor will take a really long time, or whatever.. In any case, you will probably have a story to tell, but if you bother to tell someone this, they will most likely reply (in a southern accent):

"That's Nothin'. My cousin Daisy Mae had her first delivered by the sherrif on the side of the road while he was takin' her to jail for robbin a liquor store. She was in a lot of pain, but he wouldn't give her no drugs or nuthin. Alls he did was take off his belt so she could have a piece of leather to bite down on. Her second went a little bit better, but I 'spect that's cuz it was 20 minutes later in the ambulance theys was twins)."

OR, if you are one of the lucky few who has everything go smoothly, that will also be remarkable, but if you try to share it with somebody they will respond with (in a hoity-toity Washingtonian Elite accent):

"That's nothing. My friend from the club Darlene had a baby just last month. Stopped by the Hospital, had a pain-free delivery, dropped the baby off with the Nanny and was back playing Tennis 3 hours later"

Any story you have will always be 1-upped.(Yes, I realize the Irony in the fact that I am essentially doing the exact same thing with this post)

3. Everybody knows somebody with the name you have chosen. Good for you in not telling anybody the name you have chosen. If you do, they will invariably respond with:

"I've always loved that name. I heard about a axe-murderer the other day by that name, though."

Or

"Never really cared for that name. My cousin was named so-and-so, and he's an axe-murderer"

(By the way, do NOT name your child WAYNE. You would be startled at the number of murderers by that name.)


4. Everybody knows more than the doctor. More words of wisdom before the birth:

"you are huge. Are you sure it's not twins? No? well, sometimes they are wrong"
"you're awfully small, are you sure you are due next week? Yes? well sometimes the doctors are wrong"

"Have you considered a home birth? My midwife is every bit as smart as any doctor."


5. After you have had the baby, everybody will have more advice:

"That baby is too fat"
"The baby is too skinny" (same baby)

"Your baby isn't walking yet? Have you had them tested for a disability?"
"Your baby is ALREADY walking? Aren't you afraid of pushing him too far?"

"Can't you hear that baby crying? Are you just going to let him lay there?"
"What are you doing? You can't pick up the baby every time he fusses"

"Glad to see you are Breastfeeding - Babies need that"
"Breastfeeding in public? Why can't you use a bottle like everybody else?"

(to your wife)
"if you don't get back into shape right away, it is because you are lazy" (maybe not in so many words, but it will be implied)
"you're too skinny - you shouldn't lose the baby weight that fast. It's not healthy"


6. If, after a while, you decide that you want to have more children, you will open up the floodgates to a whole new set of absurd comments (these are all actual quotes that have been directed at us):

"you're pregnant again? You know, they've discovered what causes that condition and it's preventable" (we heard this with our 3RD one, not to mention 4th and 5th)

"Are ALL THOSE kids YOURS? Do they all have the same father?" or sometimes they phrase it differently "How many have different fathers?"



That's probably enough for now. Enjoy.